Title: The Adventures of the Hoot 'n' Holler!
Author: Heather <ShivaSaavik@yahoo.com>
Summary: Heather's humorous look at some of the members of the Saavik Sounding Board on a big Star Trek adventure!† Their mission: get to meet Spock and Saavik!
Disclaimer: As we all know, none of the characters belong to me. Star Trek belongs to Paramount, and everyone else is their own person.
One note before we begin: I've taken certain characteristics that have been mentioned before, and elaborated on them to the point of ridiculousness. I hope I haven't gone to far and thus offended someone. If I have, please let me know and I'll fix that. Above all, this is meant to be humorous and give a piece of life onboard the Hoot 'n' Holler. It's also not done, and more will be coming.
Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Hoot 'n' Holler (well, actually, these are the voyages of the goldfish known as Nobelly because we pretty much go in whatever direction he thinks of). It's continuing mission: to seek out new life and new civilization through creativity; to boldly go where no out of their minds Saavik fan has gone before.
Captain's Log: Well, we're three weeks out of spacedock, and I think we're doing pretty well. Nobelly finally learned the concept of a straight line so now the ship doesn't twirl when it flies through space. Any space sickness, due to the whirling, has been taken care of and we can all wander the corridors without tripping. Although, some miss the tripping, but I don't really want to ask why.
All the animals have stopped trying to eat each other and may I just say that Stars (Marla's dog) makes an excellent security chief. (You can let go of my wrist now, Stars.)
Meanwhile, we have our first ship meeting coming up. (Stars, seriously. Let go of my wrist) I think I'm going to go hide. It's not like it's mandatory or anything. (Okay, Stars, when blood's seeping into your mouth? That's a bad thing)
Scene One: Some corridor or other. No one's tripping. Kerry's gripping some paper, grumbling, and rushing through the corridors. At the other side of this unnamed, yet pretty, corridor, Heather's strolling, eyes unfocused.
Heather: Hey, Kerry. You going to the meeting?
Kerry stops, staring at this strange, bipedal figure before her. Heather sees the papers.
Heather (brightly): Oooo. Did you add more to Cain? Can I read it?
Kerry (exploding): IT'S ALL HER FAULT!!!! I've figured out why I can't write anything right now, and do you want to know why? Let me tell you why. It's because of all those Valeris pictures in Marla's corner. She doesn't want Spock and Saavik to get back together!!
Heather (makes her eyes wide to give the appearance that she's Really Listening, but what she's really doing is wondering why this is the only corridor without any airlocks on it) Wait - Marla wrote all those Spock and Saavik fics. Since when doesn't she want them to get back together?
Kerry: No, not Marla. Valeris. Valeris still won't acknowledge that she lost Spock, so she mind melded with me and created my writer's block!! She messed with Spock, and now she's messed with me. And there she sits, in the corner, beaming. BeambeambeambeambeambeamBEAM!
Heather: There's a pun in there somewhere, isn't there.
Heather: You know. Valeris' face is beaming at you. We beam to places. Valeris beamed her wishes into your head.
Kerry: Heather, your head is a very strange place.
Heather: Yes, I'm working on that. I feel that my head should be accessible to everyone, but currently, even I'm having problems understanding it. Anyway, what are you going to do about your problem?
Kerry: Throw my computer out the airlock. Did you realize that this corridor is the only one that doesn't have an airlock?
Heather: Most definitely. You going to the meeting?
Kerry: I might be late.
Kerry starts to leave, then stops.
Kerry: You know what I love about this ship? Not only did that entire conversation make sense, it's now plausible, too.
Heather: Yup! I didn't even blink in astonishment.
The two part ways. It's an amicable parting, except for the poor computer that Kerry will soon bear down upon and toss out the airlock. It's not feeling so calm right now.
Scene Two: The first group meeting. So far, it's Marla and Jenny. They sit across from each other, thinking deep thoughts.
Marla: So. How's sickbay?
Jenny: Good. How are your things?
Marla: Sharp as ever.
More deep thoughts.
Marla: I think the laughing gas went well last week. I just need to make sure I remove my weapons before using it.
Jenny: Ah, that's okay. It's not like anyone actually uses the beds. Or the floors. Or the medical equipment. Maybe next time you should use the gas in the holodeck.
Marla: Yes! It'll be a big help in the Buffy program.
Jenny: How's that going?
Marla: Great! I'm Faith. She randomly stabs people. Heather's Spike, after he went through a sex change.
Jenny: I'm sorry?
Marla: Well, Faith was taken, and we both agreed that I had better mental tendencies, so I could pull off the role much more realistically. And I had the better weapons, and better clothes. And I started the program, so I had dibs. So she chose Spike, because he has a cool coat and flexible clothes, and she could wear her Dr. Martens. Only she drew the line at playing a guy, so we changed the genders a bit.
Jenny: It's good that you two have bonded so well. Everyone on this ship bonds well. It helps prevent mutinies.
Heather enters, catching the last bit.
Heather: Always good. Kerry should be here any minute.
Heather sits next to Marla, contributing to the deep thoughts.
Kerry enters and sits next to Jenny, calm and composed. Her thoughts are not only deep, but serene as well.
Marla: Hey! Were you changing things?
Kerry: Not yet. And we need more computers, specifically laptops.
Jenny: You know, I'm thinking of adding printers to that list. Computers do their part, but it's the printers that have the nerve to put those words on paper. Besides, why chuck one thing out the airlock when you can chuck two things?
Marla: I take it that we fixed the malfunction?
Kerry: Nah. I used a different airlock. That's why it took me so long to get here. I had to go to one that was three feet farther away.
Heather: Hey, what malfunction?
Marla: Oh, one of the airlocks had problems with the gravity. If you went in there to chuck out the laptop, the airlock decided to join in the fun and throw you out. It happened to Kim.
Jenny: She died.
Heather: I'm sorry - Where was I when this happened?
Kerry: On one of your sabbaticals. I think it was exams.
Heather: Oh. So?
Jenny: Fortunately, we brought Kim back to life, using the If-Spock-Can-Do-It-Why-Can't-We clause. Minus the ponfarr because she's not Vulcan. And the rapid growth rate, because we aren't on the Genesis planet. And minus the mind transfer, because she didn't give it to someone else before she died.††
Kerry: Gotta love how it's nothing like Spock's death.
Heather: It's the blessing of the Hoot 'n' Holler. Must be because we're powered by a goldfish. And all insane. Or maybe I just think we're all insane, and I'm the only insane one. Or maybe?
Marla: Maybe you should derail that train of thought.
Heather: Pun-maker!! I'd give you a hug, but you're too far away.
Kerry: Marla, you brought this on yourself.
Marla: I should have known better.
Heather sits, chortling over Marla's cleverness. She's thinking of making a Pun-maker hat and stapling it to Marla's head.
Jenny: Needless to say, Kim can't make it to the meeting.
Marla: Yes. Recuperating from a resurrection does have that effect on people.
Kerry: Have much experience in that area?
Marla: I run a Buffy program. Resurrection is a way of life in that world.
Heather: It truly is. After all, I play a vampire. Wait. Marla, Faith hasn't died.
Marla: She has when we've done it. Remember? We're fanfic writers. Well, you're more of a fanfic thinker, but anyways. Fanfic writers make things better.
Heather: Faith dying is better?
Marla: Yes. Then she has just as much angst as Buffy. And she's smarter. And she thinks on her feet.
Heather and Marla look at each other, grin, and Heather holds up a sign. WATCH BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. TUESDAYS 8 PM. UPN.
Marla holds up a sign. SEASONS 1-3 ARE THE BEST. BUY THEM ON AMAZON.COM.
Kerry and Jenny watch those two, wondering why the room isn't equipped like Doctor Evil's room, where they have the fun little buttons that, when pressed, cause certain people to plummet down into a fiery ...fire.
Heather and Marla sway in unison.
Jenny: That reminds me. We need to stock up on laughing gas. Our supply's low. And we should probably redo the entire sickbay.
Kerry: We also need more computer supplies, and goldfish food. Nobelly wants options now, instead of the standard whatever he eats. Hey, is Lianna coming?
Marla (putting the sign down): No. Stars was doing his standard Are-YOU-A-Changeling test on Lianna, and she decided to recuperate.
Kerry: I don't see the Dominion being all that interested in our ship. Except for us, no one's really all that interested in our ship.
Marla: Stars is thorough. He figures it doesn't hurt.
Marla realizes what she said as Heather throws her sign down, a look of ecstasy gracing her face. Marla throws up a hand.
Marla: DON'T Say It.
Heather freezes, but grins widely. Maybe she should superglue the Pun-Maker hat to Marla's head; after all, staples can be ripped off. Superglue would last much longer.
Kerry: Right. I'll make sure we send the list to Lianna and Kim, see if they want to add anything.
Heather: I like how you used the word 'we'. It makes me feel like I'm a part of something. (wide grin)
Jenny: Heather, you are a part of something. You're a valuable member of the Hoot 'n' Holler. And this is the reason why your intake of the laughing gas is closely monitored.
Marla (grumbles): EVERYONE'S intake of laughing gas is closely monitored.
Kerry: Believe me, Marla. We're all bitter about that.
Jenny smirks. Everyone eyes her.
Marla: That Spock clause has unlimited use, right?
Heather: Nonono. Mutinies are BAD, remember?
Marla: It would be for the greater good.
Kerry: But what's to stop us from killing everyone?
Marla: Not much. Assuming we kill Jenny, and that the 'us' you used refers to you, Heather, and me then there's only two left. Not including the animals.
Jenny: This meeting got disturbing. I say we forego the usual Leaving-Hug ritual, and just slink off to different corners of the ship.††
Marla's gone into a trance, dreaming about beautiful weapons and how to use them.
Heather: Wait. We're done already?
Heather: Oh. Well, I just wanted to say that, since I'm the Smiley Officer, you guys should be throwing the laughing gas at me, so I can contort my face in impossible directions and thus perform better.
Heather: It's my two-syllable word of the day.
Kerry: Heather, you use that word on a weekly basis. At least.†††
Heather: Oh, I recycle. To save our words.
Kerry: Do you think that would work with plot ideas? Make our job much easier.
Jenny: We could steal the Harry Potter plot, and use it for a Star Trek fanfic story.
Kerry: Kirk can be Voldemort.
Everyone leaves, except for Marla. Her eyes have glazed over, visions of crossbows dance in her head.
Scene Three: Bridge. It's a small bridge, but comfy. Everyone fits where they're suppose to. Lianna sits in the captain's chair, because she's the captain. An aura of "I'm in command" surrounds her. Unfortunately, she has no orders to issue at this time, but, by God, she's ready.
Kerry and her dog, Casey, sit in front, plotting the next course, which would be 'Somewhere else'.
Installed in the back half of the ship is a huge fish tank, in the shape of a crescent moon. Occupants: one goldfish. Nobelly needs his space. And it's possible that he ate all the other fishies, which could explain his massive size. The blue glow of the water illuminates the back of Lianna's head, Kerry's head, and Casey's ears. It also illuminates the side of Marla's face.
Marla sits at the computer, typing. There's a plot that's hammering in her head, but if it doesn't work out, but she can't afford to throw the computer away. They're in short supply.
Lianna: So -- any ideas how we replace our twenty-first century equipment in the twenty-third century?
Kerry: We really have to start checking our computers carefully. We threw out all our replicators.
Lianna: Laughing gas. It impairs judgment. Makes replicators look like computers.
Marla: The replicator gave me bad tea. It had to go.
Kerry: Kim's gave her food poisoning. You notice all the really bad stuff on this ship happens to Kim?
Lianna: Mine threw a tomato at me. Should we be worried about the bad things happening to Kim? Maybe that's a new clause.
Marla: We have a clause for Kim? Since when has our ship been dangerous?
Kerry: Since we got on it. Don't forget - we're the only ship in the history of Starfleet to get booted from a spacedock. They used a tractor beam to push us away.
Lianna: We don't belong to Starfleet. We're our own people. Besides, Starfleet isn't able to fully appreciate our qualifications.
Marla: I don't think we'd pass their psych tests. Call it a hunch.
Kerry: And they have this thing against talking animals.
Marla: And the amount of personal weapons someone can own.
Lianna: So no Starfleet for us! (Pause) Can I give an order now?
All turn to stare at Nobelly, who has his headphones on and is jiving to his new Dilly-O CD. Fat chance on the order wish.
Lianna (sighs): If I give an order, can we at least pretend that we can follow it?
Lianna: Great! Let's see - oh, I know! I have one that I can give, and one that we can follow! Shields up!
Kerry (staring at her keyboard): Umm - I don't think that's my department. Do we even have shields? Marla?
Marla: Hey, I'm just here to type things. Shields might be Nobelly's area.
All look at Nobelly again, who's doing the Macarena to Sarah Mclachlan's "Angel". For those of you who don't think fish have hips, think again. Nobelly has them and he's flaunting them.
Lianna: Damn. Does that mean we can't fire weapons either?
Kerry: I think we're relying on our goldfish's psychic powers to confuse our enemies' minds.
Marla: Enemies? We have enemies? (Marla's very excited about this prospect. She might get to use her weapons on REAL PEOPLE!!)
Kerry: Well, we've got to have them somewhere. We could go into random bars, sock people in the face, and then leave a calling card. Eventually, someone would come after us for retaliation.
Lianna: We do have a goal, though. No more Saavik pollution. (Slams her chair for emphasis). Hey, do you think we can make this chair rock? Like they do at movie theaters? Because that would be cool.
Marla: Wait. Is something actually happening outside our ship? Kerry, what is it?
Lianna: Tactical officer! Identify the reason behind the beep!
Kerry: Well, that button over there's blinking. The one covered by all the cobwebs.
Lianna: Good job, tactical officer! Anything else to report?
Marla: Nobelly's still doing... his thing. So it's not dangerous, whatever it is.
Lianna: Excellent observation! Now, let's pool everything together. Can we blame this on slash writers?
Nobelly stops, and vibrates. He mutates into a piranha and starts chewing on his slash writers voodoo doll.† He hates slash writers.† He and Heather have bonded in total agreement about this.
Intercom: Attention, ship -- Hoot 'n' Holler. This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise and universal stud muffin. Do you need assistance?
Dead silence. Then, pandemonium.
Scene Four: Decisions. Meeting room again. Everyone but Kim. Recovering from a resurrection is hard work.
Kerry: Apparently, Nobelly can't listen to music and drive and the same time, so we were... twirling when the Enterprise located us on their scanners. We looked like we were in serious trouble, so they offered to help.
Heather: Were we at least twirling in time to Nobelly's music?
Lianna: But we aren't in trouble. However, they will let us use their replicators to recreate computers and laughing gas. As well as give us more replicators.
Marla: Do you think we've made it into Starfleet's database yet? One of the ships to be avoided at all cost? Maybe they're inviting us over so they can kill us.
Jenny: The paranoia cannot affect us if we maintain positive attitudes.
Marla: I mean, they say they're the Enterprise, but they could be Romulans in disguise. Lying to us. Wanting to steal all our secrets. Or at least our goldfish.
Kerry: Spock's on board.
Marla: Let's risk it.
Heather: I'm game!
Lianna: Okay. We need an away team. Making one of those is my job, isn't it?
Kerry: Actually, if we're going according to Picard's Enterprise, then it's Number Two's job, but we don't have a Number Two, so you'll do.
Heather: YE-- wait. That wasn't a pun.
Kerry: No. That's what we call poetry.
Heather: Can you make it into a pun?
Marla duct tapes her mouth shut just in case a pun pops out.
Lianna: DAMN IT!! I CAN'T GO!!!
Kerry: Why not?
Lianna: Because I'm the captain. And the Captain stays with the ship so she can't become a hostage.
Heather: You won't become a hostage. This is the Enterprise. They don't do that. Unless you're a Romulan and have a cloaking device that they really need -- can Nobelly cloak the ship?
Marla rips off the duct tape and doesn't flinch. People who own lots of weapons don't flinch.
Marla: If he can do the Macarena, he can cloak the ship.
Heather: Nobelly did the Macarena?
Kerry: Oh, yes.
Heather: Huh. Our alien fish really has no dignity. Lianna, I say that you should just come with us.
Lianna: But if we violate the Captain-Stays-With-The-Ship-Clause, then all the other clauses fall apart, and Kim's permanently dead. Why do you think I let Stars bite me all the time?†† Damn it, why can't we use the twenty-third century rules and let me pull a Kirk?
Kerry: Because then you'd have to have lots of sex with random men. And speak like Kirk. And have no hair.
Lianna: Would the men be cute?
Kerry: The thing is, the type of men you'd have sex with have the same values as the type of women Kirk sleeps with. So those men would hook up with those women, and you'd end up having sex with Kirk indirectly.
Jenny: For the record, the VMHs (Vulcan Male Hybrids, Jenny's two bodacious personal... persons) are not sluts. Therefore, they have not slept with Kirk. I checked. I'm a medic. I do that.
Heather: You had sex with Kirk? When? Did this happen on one of my sabbaticals? Why does everything happen when I'm on a sabbatical?
Jenny: No. I'm medic, therefore I check people out. For medical purposes. Because I'm a medic.
Kerry: Every ship needs one.
Jenny: I probably shouldn't go, either. Kim's going through the last critical phase of the resurrection process, and I need to be there to assist her. I'd hate to lose her and have to redo the clause.
Kerry: Which phase is that?
Jenny: She's opening her eyes. Pivotal moment. Besides, I'd rather miss all the insanity. I'll meet everyone when things cool down, and they don't need security officers anymore.
Everyone looks at Heather.
Heather: I'm not staying behind. This is big stuff here, people. Besides, I'm the Smiley Officer. I'm important. And it's going to look really bad if I have to sneak over there.
Lianna: Okay, this is what we're going to do. Marla, Kerry, and Heather. You're all going.
Heather jumps up and down. She repeats five times. Then claps.
Marla: Does anyone else have the feeling that she had to practice that a few times?
Kerry: It's because she's a fanficthinker. We'll cure her of that as soon as we make her write something. But anyways, we're going on the Enterprise. Who's excited?
Lianna looks crushed. Jenny looks resigned.
Kerry: Don't worry. We'll get all the important people over here. Mainly, Spock.
Lianna: But we're not even a starship! Why would he come over here?
Marla: Because we don't really do anything, and yet our ship still kind of functions. Our lack of expertise alone will have him over here.
Jenny: See if you can get McCoy, too. Maybe he can loan me some twenty-third century equipment. And I should probably be the one to explain the need for the laughing gas.
Lianna: Right. Okay. So you three go, scope out the situation. And whatever you do, don't wear red.
Marla: Need to change my socks.†††
Kerry: Okay. I'll go prep Nobelly. Meet me in the transporter room.
Scene Five: The transporter room. It took Heather and Kerry thirty minutes to find it. Apparently, the transporter room likes to transport itself all around the ship. Silly room.
Kerry and Heather stare at the console, punching buttons. They're trying to figure out a way to transport Clark Kent's "Lana Blinders" off, so Clark can angst over Chloe for a change. (Nothing against Lana, but Chloe should have some nice things happen to her for once)
Marla walks in, followed by Stars.
Marla: We have a problem.
Heather: Shush! We're trying to put Lana's head back on.
Kerry: She pushed one button, Marla. One button.
Marla: And now she sounds like my grandmother. Shush?
Heather: Nobelly transported all my vulgar words out of my head. He wanted a dirty vocabulary.
Marla: And he chose you?
Kerry: Apparently, her head's the easiest one to access.
Heather: Kerry helped him. If I were you, I'd watch your vocal cords. A dirty vocabulary does you no good unless you can speak, too.
Marla: Erin, you helped Nobelly?
Kerry: Well, I was looking for all those fics Heather keeps talking about and figured it couldn't hurt. Then Nobelly found the swear words, and decided he needed a pair, too.
Heather: Hah! You did it! You succumbed to the dark side! Now, you have a choice: you can either become old and creepy looking, yet be able to electrocute people, or become bodily scared and have a breathing apparatus, yet have a small seed of goodness. It'll be like a burned popcorn kernel, but the seed will be there. Either way, you won't have friends. So chose wisely.
Heather: A pun! He needed a pair. Nobelly's a male fish. And now he has a pair.
Marla: Are you aware that you're the only one that notices things like that?
Heather: The lack of genitals on a goldfish?†††
Kerry: Granted, that is disturbing, but I think Marla was referring to puns.
Heather: Hmm. Well, I promote puns. I think that people, as a whole, need to be more aware of them.
Kerry (wondering if the Enterprise is in the market for any pun-watchers. She thinks Kirk would look great in a pun-maker hat, especially if it was pink and had glitter on it) Marla, you mentioned a problem?
Marla: Yep. Stars has issues with us going.
Everyone stares at Stars. He's a big dog with an intimidating aura. It says, "I like to chew on people." He's very effective as a security officer and a great father figure for Worf. Stars taught Worf how to use the Bat'leth.†††
Marla: He doesn't want, and this is a direct quote, "Kirk near his women" and feels that he needs to come along.
All stare at Stars again. He smirks. He's always wanted a harem.
Heather: He thinks Kirk is a threat? He's only a threat if we succumb to Kirk's nasty charms.
Kerry: The last thing I want is Kirk sitting on my bed, pulling on his boots. Or strutting around our ship without a shirt on. Kirk jiggles. Who wants to see that?
Marla (to Stars): See? I told you. You just wanted to go along in hopes Kirk might attack you in that jump-and-sit thing he does so you could bite him on the ass.
Heather and Kerry: Let's bring him.
Marla (to Stars, who growls): Yes, and to protect us, just in case.
Heather: Stars, seriously. You have nothing to fear. Do we look like we're Kirk's type? (Everyone scopes each other out, just in case. You never know when Kirk girls will spring up. They're like cockroaches)
Kerry: We have brains.
Heather: We have charisma -- wait. That's bad. Everyone, be ugly! Maybe we should spray ourselves with some stinkweed.
Marla: We have eyes. Stars, you stay. You two, let's go.
Marla: Kerry, you're cackling.
Kerry: We're gonna meet SPOCK!
Heather: And maybe Saavik!
Marla: We're going to be transported back here in five seconds. With overloaded phasers glued to our belts.
Heather: I'm not wearing a belt.
Marla: Figure of speech.
Heather: Oh! Right. Sorry. But if you hold on, I can go grab my Tae Kwon Do purple belt, just in case.
Marla and Kerry grab Heather by the arms, pulling her in the transporter pods.
Kerry: Nobelly, energize.
They disappear to pulsating music. Yup. Nobelly's discovered disco.
Scene Six: everyone's favorite place: A BOOKSTORE!!
Scene Seven: Two seconds later, Nobelly corrects his mistake, and transports the girls to The ENTERPRISE!! (Meanwhile, at the Bookstore, patrons panic, thinking it's the Apocalypse. And it doesn't even look like the one from the X-Men. All comic geeks (author included) are devastated).
Marla, Kerry, and Heather materialize and see Kirk and Spock. And a transporter chief, but he's not important.
Kirk steps forward, sticking out his chest. Marla can't help but think how nicely her daggers would nestle in his chest muscles. Kerry can't help but think that the chest muscles remind her of her dogs' chew toys. Heather hasn't realized that Kirk's in the room yet.
Kirk: Welcome aboard. I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the ---
Heather: Oh My God!!! It's Spock!! Look, Kerry!! Look, Marla!! It's Spock!!
Heather points for emphasis, just in case they missed him. He stands four feet away. And he's tall.
Marla uses her hands to make binoculars, to better focus on Spock.
Marla: oooo. Pointy!
Heather: Okay, you need to answer this right now and we need it on tape. Please tell everyone how you and Kirk are NOT having sex, nor will you EVER have sex, nor have you even THOUGHT about having sex.
Marla: It would probably be easier if you just told us you're a virgin. Damn, those are some sharp ears.
Marla removes her binoculars and smacks herself in the head. Fortunately, Heather can't point at Spock and catch puns at the same time, so Marla's safe. And Marla hopes that the smacking of the head might help damage the pun-making region.
Kerry: Honestly. You two are just friends. And why would you ever sleep w/ him? (Pointing to Kirk) He's a slut!
Kirk's ego is melting to the floor as the three beautiful women show absolutely no interest in him. Heather steps in it.
Heather: Wait. Kirk's here? He is! Wow. (giggles) Can I pull your hairpiece?
Spock: Fascinating. It appears the transporter may have had an adverse affect on them. Perhaps we should call Dr. McCoy?
Kirk (looking green and red -- a Christmas tree!!) Dr. McCoy to the transporter room.
The three of them examine the room, noticing how stationary it is. Not like theirs.
Kerry: This is the wrong time! Saavik's not here yet. It's too early for her.
Marla: Damn. Same for Valeris.
Kerry (to the Enterprise officers): Hey, do you think you could beam us back to the ship, and find us again in about twenty-five years? I'm sure we'll be in just as much trouble. We'll even make a sign for you for convenience. And send you hourly reminders.
Heather: Can I have a phaser? They don't give me weapons on the Hoot 'n' Holler.
Marla: This is very true. Better yet, we might even be able to make just the family rescue us. Think about it! We could meet the kids - Setik, T'Kel, T'Pren! We could become godparents!
Heather: But the kids aren't canon. How can we be sure they'll really exist?
Kerry: Because I wrote them. Who wouldn't want the kids to exist?
Marla: Plus, we aren't in canon. And yet, here we are, in a transporter room, intimidating the Enterprise officers.
Kirk and Spock watch us talking, having no idea what's going on. Kirk's sulking, and somewhere, buried deep within him, Spock is thrilled that these three beautiful, intelligent, and witty women want him over Kirk. And no one's sprayed him with spores! Or asked him to show he has human feelings! They want him for just Who He Is. The transporter man's pulled out the inflatable bed and gone to sleep.
McCoy walks in.
The Three (The Power of Three!) of us: BONES!!
Kirk: B-- Doctor, kindly escort these ... ladies to sickbay.
Heather: Oh, no. That won't work. I don't go to doctors. I mean, I'm sure you're nice and everything, and you save a lot of people, but I don't go to doctors.
Kerry: You can't put us in red shirts. Because they wouldn't match Marla's socks.
Marla: Is Spock coming too?
McCoy: Now just a minute. I am the doctor of the Enterprise, and everyone on this ship goes to sickbay.
Heather: Can I get off now?
Marla: But we technically don't belong to the ship per se, nor do we even really exist in your timeline. I don't think that applies to us.
Kerry: Can we see the bridge? I want to sit in the Captain's chair. And maybe even bring one back for Lianna.
Heather: And you can press buttons.
Kerry: I could call Sickbay and tell them that you don't need a physical.
Heather: But you don't know which button is for Sickbay.
Kerry: (shrugs) That's what Uhura's for. If nothing else, I'll say "wrong number".
Heather: (to Spock) You're not having sex with her, right?
Marla: You know, if a writer from spockfuhqfest was here, he or she would be whipping out the handcuffs to attach Spock to the nearest bipedal warm body, then take notes.
Kerry: That's disgusting. But true.
Heather. Ugh. Worse -- they don't always make it a bipedal warm body.† You forgot about that horta story -- and M5.
All three faint from the horrendous mental imagery. System overload.
Scene Eight: The outside of the Hoot 'n' Holler's Infirmary. Tacked above the door, we see this helpful warning, written by Jenny herself and stolen with permission.
IF YOU WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO GO TO THE ALCOVE WITH MARLA, THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET MUCH SYMPATHY HERE!
The camera fades out to refocus on the inside of the Infirmary, where we see Jenny sitting at her desk, surrounded by emptiness. And no, I don't mean there aren't any people. I mean there aren't people or equipment. Just lots of floor. And the desk, but Jenny's not surrounded by it because she's sitting at it and it's not long enough to surround her.
There is some doubt, though. The desk could shapeshift to surround her. Stars hasn't done his Changling test on the furniture. Yet.
Jenny likes it when no one's on the ship. Well, Lianna is, but Lianna doesn't count, because Lianna doesn't drag her body in the Infirmary on a daily basis with unusual injuries. That's reserved for Marla, Heather, Kerry, and Marla. Lianna takes care of herself. And Kim's just accident-prone. Or unfortunate. Or, she's an unfortunate accident-prone person.
Lianna signals from the Bridge. Jenny, with her technological savvy, presses a button and answers. She swivels around and the screen behind her comes to life. Not real life. Don't worry. There won't be any screens rampaging throughout the ship. That's what Heather's for.
Jenny: Infirmary here.
In the screen, we see Lianna sitting in the captain's chair. Behind her, Nobelly does his Jazzercise to "Don't break my heat - my achy breaky heart".
Lianna: Make him stop.
Jenny: Hey, a fit fish is a fish that has stamina. And knows the importance of working out.
Lianna: Why does he need stamina? He flies this thing with his mind.
Jenny: Maybe he's trying to impress the girls.
Lianna: I'm a girl. I'm not impressed. I'm revolted.
Jenny takes a second look.
Jenny: Oh, God. Who let him access the 80s? He's wearing a sweatband!!
Lianna: He could fit into an 80s Jane Fonda Aerobics tape. Jenny, make him stop.
Jenny: I don't have any more tranqs. I used them all on Marla when she was laughing gassing her way through my Infirmary. Any I had left, I used on Kim when she decided to reenact Spock going through rapid Pon Farr aging. And I put some in Heather's soup before she went over to the Enterprise.
Lianna: Is that legal?
Jenny: Would you send Heather over there without any precautions?
Lianna: I actually kind of did. I didn't know about you handling it.
Jenny: I've seen her in the holodeck. Trust me. Maybe you should eat some goldfish in front of him. Then he can lecture you on the evilness of cannibalism.
Lianna: Wait. Hold on. The Enterprise is signaling me.
Jenny waits five minutes. Lianna comes back.
Lianna: Sorry. Nobelly wanted to watch The Little Mermaid, and it took me some time to turn it off.
Jenny studies Lianna's face. Lianna's smiling brightly.
Jenny: Out with it. What happened?
Lianna: Um - well, you see... Okay, first of all, everyone's still alive.
Lianna: Second of all, no one's taken Spock hostage.
Lianna: But they've all collapsed, and the Enterprise is worried that they were carriers of some kind of plague and now the whole crew is infected. And apparently, when they were being carried to sickbay, Kerry latched unto Spock and it took three orderlies to pry her off. She kept whispering, "It's okay. I'll take care of you" and nibbling on his ear.
Jenny (whispers bitterly): Damn it, I wanted to do that!
Lianna: But about this plague thing--
Jenny: What's their reasoning?
Lianna: They didn't give Kirk proper attention, and that just doesn't happen when Kirk's around women.
Jenny: He said that?
Lianna: Well, I read between the lines. And I think Spock was preening. Oh, and this is the wrong Enterprise. Saavik's not there yet.††
Jenny: That's okay. I don't think we can handle two of them.
Lianna: You know, Jenny. Sometimes I feel like we're the only sane ones.
Jenny would answer, but one of her MVHs have walked into the room. Jenny's neglected them for thirty minutes, and they're scared that she's going to abandon them. Or found someone better.
Wait. Hold on. Nothing's better than your own personal MVH. And Jenny has two. Grumblegrumblegrumble.
Jenny gets up and hugs her MVH. She sighs. She hugs some more.
Jenny: I'll never leave you.
Jenny says this into his chest. It's a big chest. Kirk could fit into this chest.
Lianna: I'm really glad to hear that, Jenny. Sane people have to stick together. The others could just take over the whole ship.
Jenny's left the room. It's a really good thing that the MVHs come with the ship. Otherwise, Jenny would have evacuated a long time ago, and taken the Infirmary with her.†††
Lianna: Hey, maybe you could explain this. Could you tell me why, right before she left, Heather requested that I change her name to Marisa Andrea Rebecca Yvonne Susan Ursula Edith?
Scene Nine: The Enterprise's Sickbay. Yup. The good ole Bay of Sick. A perfect place for the Hoot 'n' Holler's away team.
All three are still unconscious. Kerry dreams of a ten foot Valeris stomping on all her plot bunnies. Marla dreams of the musical number "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast. She loves the thought of self-movable pointy furniture. If she had been the Beast, she would have taken over the world. The only thing stopping her -- She doesn't have a world in mind yet.
Heather can't tell the difference between reality and dreamland, so she's dreaming about being in the Enterprise's Sickbay. Hard to imagine she's the creative inspiration behind the Humor Skit. (With a little help from some friends. The Hoot 'n' Holler, and its crew, give us a thumbs up. Mentos, the Freshmaker)
All three women are on the beds, with the restraints firmly attached. Lots of restraints. Its like duct tape, only not. Needless to say, all three are hogtied to the beds.
Marla wakes first. It takes her three seconds to get up. McCoy, in his wisdom, did NOT have anyone change the away team's clothes into those horrid little dresses that tie on the shoulder and one little breeze and the whole thing falls off.
Probably goes along with that whole possible contagious thing.
Marla hugs her knife. Her knife did Good Work. She then frees the other two, using the knife. She could have simply unlocked the restraints, except her knife was begging to do more Good Work and Marla knows the importance of respecting her weapon's wishes.
Kerry wakes up next.
Kerry: Ugh. What hit me?
Marla: The transporter room floor. You, apparently, were assaulted by the grates.
Kerry's face has some fading grill marks on it.
Kerry: Bleah. My mouth tastes funny. Kind of like - copper.
Marla: How do you know what copper tastes like? Did you try and eat pennies when you were little, too?
Heather, still dreaming, sees that Marla and Kerry are talking. She wants to talk, too. So she wakes up.
First thing Heather sees are her feet.
Heather: Gosh! I got some great boots!
Heather clicks her Dr. Martens together with nice thwacking noises.
Kerry: You could take out an entire Lego city with those.
Heather: Usually, I just go demolish anthills.
Marla: Our Smiley officer - the Terror of ants everywhere.
Kerry: We should put that in the brochure.
Marla: Right next to me huddling under my Leaning Tower of Weapons.
Heather: What brochure?
Kerry: The one that goes, NyahNyahNyahNyah, we're psychoticer than you.
Heather (speaks kindly): Kerry. Psychoticer is not a word. It's in direct violation of the English code.
Kerry: More psychotic doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
Marla: Do you think they're listening to us?
Everyone looks around. They look to the left. They look to the right. They circle their necks. All warmed up!
The sickbay stares back at them. It's not amused. It's not alive, either.†††
Kerry: Nah. They're too busy trying to figure out why we have a goldfish painted on our hull.
Marla: One that's smoking a Cuban cigar!
Heather: And yet, Nobelly is sadly Nicotine intolerant.
Kerry: Not to mention the fact that cigars don't light up in water.
Marla: Since when has reality been a factor on our ship?
Heather: We are outside reality!
Heather moves her upper body and arms in a circle. Much like Will Smith did on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Kerry: Five years of dance, and that's the best you got?
Heather: I'm sitting. Work with me here.
Marla: You know, considering that we're important representatives from the Hoot 'n' Holler, aka, the only ones who could come and we're clearly not always quite there, why are they leaving us alone in Sickbay?
Heather holds up the ripped remains of the restraint belts. They droop in a mournful manner.†††
Heather: I don't think we're suppose to be mobile.
Kerry: Well. No one ever thinks that people walk around with enough sharp things to arm an entire army.
Kerry and Heather stare at Marla.
Marla: It's not my fault that people don't take me into account.
Heather: Marla, Wolverine couldn't take you into account.
Kerry: You know, with all that silver on her weapons, my bank may be able to take her into my account.
Marla: Hands off, Kerry. Or I'll take yours.
Heather sighs again.
Kerry: I'm not scared of you. I know you too well. Besides, you kill us all off, you have no more friends.
Heather sighs yet once more, using her hands to push the 'sigh' air towards Kerry and Marla's ears.
Marla: Valeris is my friend.
Heather sighs with so much force that she blacks out for a moment and teeters off the bed.
Heather: Flubberguts. I fell.
Marla: Don't get up.
Kerry: I'm sorry -- Heather, did you just say 'Flubberguts'?
Heather: Yes. Unfortunately. Nobelly took everything. Why do you think I said 'Gosh' a little while ago? Because I was getting in touch with my Kentucky farmer side. (Side note: no disrespect here. I'm basing this on Sam Guthrie from X-Men. He's from Kentucky. Doesn't swear. Says Gosh a lot)
Marla: Something tells me we should be really grateful Nobelly can't speak.
Kerry: And we don't understand goldfish.
Heather gets up.
Heather: I'm quite irate.
Kerry: Do tell.
Heather: Clearly, Lianna didn't go forward with my request.
Marla: Which was?
Heather: My name change.
Kerry: How can you tell?
Heather: Because the crew isn't fawning over me, nor have I saved the ship yet.
Marla: Lianna's way to smart to change your name to Mary Sue.
Heather: It wasn't MarySue. It was MarisaAndreaRebeccaYvonneSusanUrsulaEdith.
Kerry: You can only get a name change if I get one.
Heather: Okay. You be Mary, I'll be Sue, and Marla can be the long lost cousin Esther. We can divide up the abilities. Marla will be the martial arts expert; everything she learned came from the back of a Special K box. Kerry will be the really smart one, and save the ship. I'll have the special power, and we'll divide up the prettiness.
Marla: Anybody want to leave?
Heather: I think too much sometimes. It's a burden.
Everyone walks to the door.
Marla: Anyone want a group hug for luck before we venture out there?
Heather and Kerry hug Marla, making sure to pin her arms. Marla pats their arms with her hands. Awkwardly.
Then... dumdumdum. They leave.
The Hoot Ďní Holler Bridge.† We just canít get enough of this place.† Itís quiet.† Except for the whirling sound and the Marching Band parading around Nobellyís tank.
Lianna is upside down in her chair, twirling around.†† She tumbles off, and then stands with a flourish and a Ta-Dah.†† Nobelly pounds his fins together, and then holds up a sign that has the number 10 on it.†
Lianna:†† My best one yet!†† Iím getting really good at this.
Lianna:†† Anytime weíre hit, no falling out of my chair ungracefully for me.†† Nor Sir-ee.†† Iím gonna do it with style.†† And without head trauma.†
Nobelly thinks thatís a good idea.†† And thatís not just because heís President, Founder, and Treasurer of the Head Trauma BAD!!! Foundation.†† He loves how the Hoot Ďní Holler provides tons of inspiration. Not to mention sound financial opportunities -- snicker.†† Sorry.†† Nobelly canít think that with a straight face.†† The narratorís not having much luck, either.†
Lianna:†† But I canít practice anymore, because I have no blood left in my feet.†
Nobelly canít relate to this.†† He doesnít have feet.†† But he does have powerful fin muscles, which he flexes.†† They ripple, in a man like fashion.†† Kirk, eat your heart out.†† Or Nobelly will do it for you.†
Lianna:†† And thereís a strong possibility that Iím going to be sick.†† Which is un-Captain like.†
Lianna sinks in her chair.†
Nobellyís still flexing.†
Lianna tells her blood to resume circulating throughout the body, sheís done now.†† Nobelly helps her. †
The Enterprise signals.†
Lianna:†† Yay!†† I have something else to do!
Nobelly activates the viewer, and tells the Marching Band to play like Beethoven.†† The Marching Band points out that not one member is deaf.†† Nobelly offers to change that.†
The view screen flickers to life.†† Itís God.
Sorry.†† No.†† Itís just someone who likes to believe heís God.†
The view screen:†† This is Captain Kirk, contacting Captain Lianna!
Lianna:†† Can you put Spock on?
Kirk:†† Captain, Mr. Spock has important duties, and regrets to inform you that there are only so many times he can talk to you today.†† Fourteen will have to enough.
And you all thought Lianna had nothing to do while the Away Team was on the Enterprise.
Lianna:†† Oh.†† Sorry.†† I thought he was like you.†† Just sitting around.†† Tell him I said hi!
Kirk:†† Sure.†† Captain, Iím afraid we have a situation.†
Lianna:†† Well, Iím happy to help.†† Maybe I could assist Mr. Spock.
Kirk:†† Heís fine on his own, Captain.†† Iím afraid that -- well, your Away Team has been misplaced.
Lianna:†† You said you had them in restraints, in case the possible plague resulting in flailing limbs --- wait.†† I sent Marla over there.†† Never mind.
Kirk:†† Iím sorry?
Lianna:†† So theyíre no longer in Sickbay?
Kirk:†† No.†† Iím afraid not.
Lianna:†† And you lost them?
Kirk:†† Well, they removed themselves from Sickbay, apparently.
Lianna:†† Are you sure they didnít lose themselves?†† Because that happens to us a lot.†† We start talking, and then forget what the topic is.†† I think thatís why no oneís been killed over here yet.†† We donít remember to threaten people.†† Of course, your crew has nothing to worry about.†† Heather has the attention span of a rabbit, and to distract Marla, just throw a new weapon in front of her.†† Kerryís weakness is -- wait.†† Why am I telling you this?
Kirkís wondering the same thing.†† You know, his uncle told him to stay in Iowa and be a farmer.†† But nnnnooooo, he had to go be a Starship Captain and encounter crazy people.†† Stupid childhood fantasies.†
Lianna:†† So whatís your plan?
Kirk:†† I was hoping you had some ideas on how my crew could find them.†
Lianna:†† Well, they are going to stick out.
Kirk:†† Yes, with the different clothes and all.
Lianna:†† Yes.†† That, too.†† I was referring to the abnormal behavior.†
Kirk:†† Right.†† Well, thank you, Captain.†† Are you sure you couldnít just contact them?
Lianna:†† No.†† Sorry.†† Our away teams donít carry communicators.†
Kirk:†† What happens if thereís trouble?
Lianna: So far, there hasnít been.†† This has been our first away mission.†† I think itís going smashing!
Kirk:†† Perhaps, in the future, you could give them communicators, so you could avoid this misunderstanding.
Lianna:†† Okay!†† Ta-ta!
Lianna signs off.†† She turns to Nobelly.
Lianna:†† I should tell Jenny about this.†† She would never let anyone leave her Infirmary until she gave him or her†† the Okay.†† Well, just the hers.†† We donít have hims on this ship that get sick, and the MVHs only leave the Sickbay when Jennyís with them.†
Lianna calls Infirmary.†† The automatic message system comes on.†
Automatic message system:†† Hi.†† This is the Infirmary.†† We canít come to the view screen right now.†† However, your call is very important to us and we want to assist you as soon as possible.†† Please hang on until the soonest available medic can come back, which should be any minute now as Kimís probably recuperating from some infliction and Jennyís off with her glistening, gleaming, muscular... err.†† Sheís occupied.†† You know, maybe you should just find a first aid kit and treat yourself.†
If the first aid kit directions are too difficult for you to comprehend, then please select your desired option.†
Press the red button if aliens have taken over the ship and your system has been overtaken by some hideous bio-weapon.†† No infecting the console, please.†† Remember, sanitation is your friend.†
Press the blue button if youíve lost an arm.†† Please make sure that any blood-pumping out goes into a wastebasket, or some other blood catching device.†† Do not make a mess.†† No one wants to clean that up.
Press the purple button if youíve lost your head.†† Literally or figuratively, it doesnít matter.†† We handle everything, even re-attaching heads.†† (Disclaimer:†† Any changes brought about by the re-attachment are not the fault of the Infirmary or the staff.†† Do not sue:†† Nobelly has all our money and heís not letting it go.†† Heather is not our fault; she was like that before she ever came onboard the ship.†† Same for Marla)
Press the green button if youíve died.†† And weíre very sorry to hear this.†† As soon as we pull Kim out of the Life-Restoring container, weíll get right to you.†† And please, if Kimís in there for a few days, do us all a favor and donít rot.†† No one wants to smell that.
Press the orange button for any other complaints.†† Theyíll be boring, but weíll take care of them.†††
There is no yellow button.†† Damn colorís too cheery.†
Under no circumstances can you press the fish-shaped button.†† Thatís for Nobellyís own personal use.†
If you do not have any appendages in which to press the buttons, just stay where you are and scream for help.†† Iím sure someone will come for you soon.†† (muted whispers in the background:†† "Do you think theyíll believe that?"/"Of course!†† Weíre the medics!")†† But please make sure to save your appendages so we can re-attach them.†
Incidentally, if this is a Marla cut me emergency please proceed to the nearest air lock and eject yourself from the ship.†† It has been three weeks and if you haven't learned yet, you won't!†† (Jenny herself wrote this particular warning!)†
Lianna leaves a message explaining the situation.†† And wonders how often those situations occur on this ship.†† Sheís never leaving her quarters again.
Scene Eleven: Okay. Weíre back on the Enterprise now. Right by the Sickbay. Waiting outside the doors. Because Ö (voice going low and ominous, with a faint hissing sound, much like a breathing apparatus) I am your Father!
The narrator pauses for a moment. This doesnít sound right. Ah! Got it! The narratorís female. I am your Mother, instead!
The doors fly open, and Marla rolls out, followed by Heather and Kerry, who quickly backpedal.
Heather: She rolled! She rolled!
Kerry: Fall back, fall back!
The two fling themselves back into sickbay. Theyíre no idiots. Heather already lost her head once to Marlaís dysfunctional directional sense. Focusing on the annoying noise, she lets her weapons fly Ö and she takes out the lights, McCoyís terminal, and Heatherís shoelace.
And let me tell you, the terminal stab-by is impressive b/c it wasnít in the knifeís rang. It had to veer a good ninety degrees to hit that computer.
Marla: Ooops. Hey, my weapons have navigation skills!
Heather (muffled): How the baconpoots do you call yourself a Slayer with a straight face? How the baconpoots do I call you a Slayer with a straight face? All a vampire would have to do is play Ring Around The Rosie with you and youíre dead!
Kerry (muffled): I refuse to walk in front of her. I refuse to walk with her. In fact, I refuse to walk in the same corridor as her.
Heather and Kerry sit up.
Heather: It wonít be that bad.
Kerry: Heather, did you see that weapon? It screeched in mid-air, and switched directions! Marla does not need that type of power, Heather. Hell, not even God needs that type of power.
Marla (off-screen): Damn! My weapons have a mind of their own! This is great!
Kerry: And, of course, she assumes that their mind is her mind.
Heather: Well, she did infect them.
Marla (off-screen. Sheís enraptured): Think of all the great stuff I can do now. I just speak, and it flies off to do my bidding!
Kerry: You know, every time I think we should let Marla live among civilization, she violently disabuses me of that idea, and makes me rue the day I ever formed a thought. We should all regress back to the gorilla stage.
Heather: I like bananas. Do you know why?
Kerry stares at Heather, aghast. She canít help but remember that Heatherís always chasing those nice looking MVHs.
Kerry: This is a PG fic, Heather.
Heather: Because theyíre yellow. What did you think I was going to say?
Kerry (weakly): Well, you know Ö the MVHs .. the symbol Ö
Heather: I think Nobelly invaded the wrong head. That is very improper thinking, Kerry.
Kerry: Oh, shut up and help me corral Marla.
Marla (off-screen): Wow. This is just, like, so cool!
Kerry: If she squeals, Iím shoving her in Kirkís quarters and locking her in.
Heather: I wonder who would be more horrified.
Kerry: Marla! Get in here!
Marla walks back in, drooling.
Marla: I love myself right now. (sings) I love myself today, not like yesterday!
Kerry: Marla, no one loves you right now.
Heather: Well, I kind of like you Ö
Heather: But only a little bit. Like, a teaspoon of sugar, because while thatís tasty, it also doesnít do much to your blood sugar, so no lasting damage is done to your blood sugar, but there isnít a sugar rush and thatís very sad, and then you feel sad because you want sugarÖ. No, I donít think I like you at all. Itís safer that way.
Marla: Why are all your analogies food related?
Heather: I say we explore the ship. This is our once chance to get an unedited tour of the ship, without Kirk showing us all the places he seduced women. Maybe we could have un-edited access to Spock!
Marla: I want my weapons back first.
Kerry: Youíre walking in front of me. Valeris could have manipulated you into taking me out just so I donít finish Cain and repair her damage!
Marla walks over to the weapon protruding from McCoyís console and croons a lullaby to it. Heather takes her two index fingers and presses them together, forming a finger gun. She fires off a few bullets, using her mouth to provide sound effects. She runs out the door, aiming left, aiming right, aiming at the wall right in front of her. She pauses, because the wallís shifty looking, then realizes that, no, itís not moving, she just has something in her eye.
Marla pulls out her knife, replaces it back in its sheath, and pulls a blanket over the ruined console.
Marla: You were a nice console. I didnít know you, but you died for a good cause, and have now earned your rest.
She walks out after Heather.
Kerry watches her go.
Kerry: Thatís it. From now on, I hang out with Amy and Jenny. And Kim, when sheís still alive. Iíll only hang out with Heather when I need to understand that, no, my lifeís not that bad. And not hanging out with Marla is just self-explanatory.
Kerry joins the two. Heatherís still sweeping the corridors and Marla watches. Heather sings the theme song from Mission Impossible and picks a direction.
Kerry: Heather, why are you singing?
Heather: I need a song to convey the danger Iím in.
Kerry: The songĎs suppose to be provided. You donít bring your own. This isnít a potluck mission.
Heather: Thatís sad. Marla, will you sing it for me?
Marla: We should be stealthy.
Heather: Like Ring Wraiths.
Kerry (guttural whisper): Enterprise Ö Spock.
Marla: Weíre such dorks.
Heather: Marla, Iíve decided that I do like you. To not like you would be mean.
Marla: Wait. Youíve decided to like the demented one in the lower level? Iím like Gollum, only with better looks and hygiene.
Heather: Well, yes. But you make the rest of us look sane, and, at the same time, remind us how much farther we have to fall. (You should recognize this, Marla!!)
Kerry: Youíre a bottomless pit of insanity, shrouded with glittering weapons.
Marla (teary-eyed): Oh, I love you guys, too!
Kerry: Group pseudo-hug!
All stand in a triangle, arms outstretched.
A minute later, theyíre no longer doing that.
Marla: All right! Letís go discover things. Firsttimes!
Heather: Show me something!
Kerry: Spock, notgo! Spock come!
The group wanders, making various observations.
Kerry: Iíve never understood why they have ladders. Isnít that what turbo lifts are for?
Marla: Maybe the ship designers had secret goals to become firemen.
Heather: If you were going to be stuck in space for five years, would you pick the color gray as the dominant color scheme?
Kerry: Maybe they picked it because itís the same color as brain tissue, and therefore, whenever someone ran into a wall and killed themselves out of sheer depression, no one would notice the stains. (pause) I canít believe thatís the first explanation that came into my head.
Marla: Weíll get you into a Buffy program yet!
Heather: We are so afraid of the wrong person.
Marla: We are the coolest group ever.
Kerry: Weíre like Charlieís Angels, only incompetent.
Marla: My weapons are jiggling.
Heather: You know what the problem is with this ship? Thereís nothing to break off and take home as a souvenir.
Marla rips off a door and hands it to Heather
Heather: How am I suppose to fit that into my pocket?
Kerry: Weíre such Doorks.
Marla: I am freakishly strong.
Kerry: Or the doorís made of Styrofoam.
Kerry: Okay, weíve passed seven crewmen. No oneís given us weird looks. What does that tell you?
Heather: They see people like us all the time.
Marla: We fit in much more than we should.
Heather: Or they donít see us, because weíre figments of someoneís imagination.
Kerry: The dress code is much more flexible on the lower decks. Heather, stop doubting our reality.
Marla: My imaginary friends say thatís healthy. To question your existence.
Heather: Is this multiple choice? Maybe we should ask one of the crew.
Kerry: No. Theyíll take us to Kirk. We have to look like we belong.
The trio takes stock of the situation, and then blends in.
Kerry stands with her hands behind her back, studying the ceiling. Perhaps her plot is up there.
Marla stands erect, humming a be-bop tune.
Heather leans against the wall, arms crossed. A crewman passes them.
Heather: What up?
Kerry: You catch the Ö uh, race last night? Between the ships.
Marla: The space ships!
Heather: Because weíre in space.
Kerry: And proud of it!
The crewman scuttles away. He didnít want to be the Enterprise in the first place. Too many strange things happen. All this yeoman wanted was to fly a ship back and forth from place A to place B.
And now, the yeoman knows that Yes, They Are Out To Get Him.
Marla: I am so ashamed. Valeris would reject me, except Iím the only one that likes her. That wasnít sneaky at all.
Heather: That was horrible.
Kerry: I think it was the domino affect. One of us started talking and the rest of us justÖ fell.
Heather: I watch Law and Order! I watch Buffy! I watch How-To-Blend-In-To-Foreign-Surrounding-And-Work-Undercover TV shows! I know how itís done! That wasnít it! We look like amateurs!! Weíre amateur amateurs!!
Kerry: Heather, we are amateurs.
Marla: We should kill him. Before he spreads the news.
Heather: Yes! Marla knows how to fix it!
Kerry: Marlaís going to send us to a penal colony.
Marla: I think, according to Starfleet, weíre kind of already on one.
Heather: We could have just one of us do it, and then our ship can break us out. Both Stars and Nobelly have propriety issues.
Marla: I am willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the ship.
Kerry: Thatís not Valeris-like.
Kerry sighs and rolls her eyes.
Heather: Sheíd set one of us up.
Marla: I do not acknowledge that statement.
Heather: I just want to see Spock. Ooo. Turbo lift.
Heather walks forward, towards the turbo lift. It opens with a swoosh.
Heather: Have any of you ever wondered just how fast these things go?
Marla: Hehe. Letís make it go zoom!
Kerry: Give me one reason why I should get into one of those things with you two.
Heather and Marla think.
Heather: Well, you see Ö um, itís like this.
Marla: Because... HuhÖ
Clearly, they need to think about how to think.
Heather: We make you look good?
Marla: If you donít come with us, Iíll tell Kirk that you left us to go sabotage the ship and steal his manliness.
Kerry: What would I do with it?
Marla: Open up a comedy club. Make it into cologne and kill people.
Heather gets in the turbo lift and pretends itís moving.
Heather: WHEEE!!! Iím a Power Puff Girl!
Marla: Which one?
Heather: Well, the only option left is Bubbles. Iím not violent enough to be Buttercup Ė thatís you, Marla Ė and Iím not smart enough to be Blossom Ė thatís Kerry. So, I have to be the cute, blond haired, blue-eyed one that everyone adores. Itís so hard being me.
Kerry and Marla glance at each other. They cross their arms. Unfortunately, Marla needs some help, so Kerry crosses Marlaís arms for her, then Kerry crosses her own.
Cross is a funny word. Itís almost like Cress. I think swans eat that. Thereís a plastic swan sitting on our raft.
Marla: You are not blond.
Kerry: Youíre not all that cute, either.
Marla: Your eyes are kind of a muddy blue, though.
Heather: And yet, itís still hard being me. Anyone wanna trade?
Kerry: Oh, just drive the turbo lift.
Kerry and Marla get in. The door closes.
Marla: Does anyone else feel like weíre about to be shot down to Hell?
Heather: And Iím driving!
Kerry sinks to the floor and closes her eyes. Marla grins. But Marlaís smart, and also sinks down to the floor. Heather grabs on to one of the turbo lift activators and twists it as far as it can go.
Heather: This is like wringing out a washcloth!
Kerry: If we twisted you, would all your fanfic ideas dribble out into the floor? Could I find the Cain plot?
Heather: Iím not very flexible. I think youíd only get a verb or two.
Marla: Why arenít we moving?
Heather: Itís warming up.
Marla: You know this how?
Heather: We have a connection.
The turbo lift, realizing that someone actually wants it to work, shudders. It was having a nice dream involving a tea party and the ladders from deck two. And somehow, itís mentally connected to the grabby one.
Everyone only uses the turbo lift for its movements. No one cares about his inner personality. About his drives and ambitions.
This turbo lift wants to be a weed whacker.
Unfortunately, that wonít be happening anytime soon. And the quicker he moves, the quicker he gets ride of the one whoís choking his arm. Her thoughts are like staples.
The turbo lift moves. Fast.
To the occupants, itís like being inside a washing machine. Only without the water. All the occupants are grateful that they left the animals on their own ship, because then there would be lots of water as the drool flew around.
The turbo lift stops, opens the doors, and Kerry and Heather jump on Marla before she, or her weapons, can kill them, disembowel, decapitated, or decorate them with pretty scars. Scars are so twenty-second century.
The three roll out, complete with the cartoon POWs and WHAMs. No one knows where those came from.
They hit something hard and leathery. No. Itís not a dragon. Itís the boot of one of the security men that have been sent to find the Away Team.
Fun timeís over. Time for seriousness.
Authorís note: (Author might be too strong of a word. Author implies that one person created this skit. One person did not. One person had lots of fun in her Saavik group (The Saavik Sounding Board) and somehow absorbed everyoneís personality. Then felt this need to express them. Some of you alert readers may notice a discrepancy between this scene and the last scene. Those of you who are not alert will also notice it, since Iím about to point it out. Oh, Baconpoots, everyoneís going to notice now.
Anyway. You might have been a bit confused with this last scene. In Scene Ten, Captain Kirk contacted Captain Lianna, informing her that her Away Team went missing. However, at the beginning of Scene Eleven, the Away Team had yet to leave the sickbay. Some of you might be wondering what Captain Kirkís definition of ďmissingĒ is. Or if Captain Kirk can be counted as an alert person. (If no one saw this before my explanation, Iím going to feel really stupid for telling you people this)
Rest assured, Captain Kirk is an alert person. He knows the difference between sleeping and awake. Starfleet gives starships to people who have God-complexes, but they draw the line at people who canít tell the difference between dream state and non-dream state. However, anyone with a God-complex who receives a Starship gets a free year supply of turtlewax and a hybrid Vulcan. No, the turtlewax is not used on the Vulcan; itís used to clean the ship.
There is a simple explanation for all of this: McCoy discovered that the away team left sickbay right after they left, contacted Kirk, who contacted Captain Lianna. This contacting occurred while the Away Team was exploring the Enterprise. And Scene Ten and Eleven couldnít be merged, so I made the executive decision to put Scene Ten first. If you have any complaints about this, I suggested you contact my muse. Her e-mail address is Imakemywriteríslifemiserable@yahoo.com. If you ask nicely, she might include a smiley face in her response to your letter. Or complaint. Or whatever.
Scene Twelve: The conference room of the Enterprise. The Enterprise crewmembers are eyeing the Hoot Ďní Holler away members in the same manner they might eye dangerous animals they might see in a zoo. The only difference is, there are protective barriers surrounding the dangerous zoo animals. The Enterprise crew does not have that protection. And even that protection might not be adequate enough. We are talking about the Hoot Ďní Holler away team here.
Spockís eyebrows are working overtime as he watches the Hoot Ďní Holler away team gape at their surroundings. No, Iím not exactly sure why the away team is gaping; like everything else, the room is full of gray. Maybe the turbo lift ride made them colorblind. Maybe theyíre excited because they finally have Spock in the same room, and theyíre between him and the door. Maybe theyíre gaping because Kirk has yet to mention his manliness, or stare at them with eyes filled with smoky desire.
Heather: This is so cool. Weíre actually sitting here. With Spock!
Marla (studying Spock): You know, your ears really arenít pointy enough. But we can fix that; I brought a cheese grater with me.
Marla stands up and walks over to Spock.
Kerry (mute for a moment b/c she needs to get over the fact that Marla carries a cheese grater with her. Yes. The image works. Plus, there are so many worse things for Marla to carry with her. But Kerryís still curious): Marla?
Marla: Erin, you never know when you might have to grate your way through a wall of cheese.
Shakes the cheese grater at Kerry.
Heather: We did a Pinky-and-the-Brain/Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover a few days ago.
Heather: We are NEVER doing that again.
Kerry (smirks): You lost?
Marla: I prefer to term it as a learning experience.
Heather: Whenever you come across a small rodent, step on it. And we never ponder what they ponder.
While the three are talking, McCoyís taking notes. Heís certain he can get at least three papers out this about the nasty effects of prolonged space travel on already deranged individuals. Heís not sure where the goldfish fits in, though.
Marla resumes her study of Spockís ears.
Heather: Heís jovial.
Heather: And has the stomach of Santa Claus.
Kerry: Maybe thatís Santaís day job.
All look at Spock.
Kirk: Our chief engineer was wondering how you powered your Ö starship. Heís not able to detect any engines or power sources.
Heather: Marla, I donít think you should mess around with the ears right now. It would mar a thing of originality and beauty.
Kerry: Plus, you never know when to stop.
Marla: Perhaps youíre right.
Marla leans down, lips barely moving.
Marla (whispers in Spock's ear): Remember. Valeris is your friend. We like Valeris.
Heather and Kerry: MARLA!!
Marla scuttles back to her seat. Her jobís done.
Heather: You never stop.
Kerry: Youíre messing with destiny.
Marla (big grin): I know!
Spock: Perhaps if we could focus on your method of power Ö a goldfish is certainly a Ö fascinating selection. How did you choose that?
The Away Team stares at each other.
Kerry: We got a choice?
Heather: Did we miss the selection process?
Marla: Was there a contest? Was the prize pointy?
McCoy: Dammit, Jim! I told you this would happen! Youíre just too damn good-looking for your own good. Youíve managed to make their brains fall out.
Heather: But we always manage to catch them before they hit the floor.
Kerry: And thereís the five-second rule.
Spock: Perhaps Ö we could simply visit your ship, to determine its power for ourselves.
Marla grins. Spock sees this.
Spock: And then return.
Kerry: We had that plan once. Visiting, then returning to the point of origin.
Heather: Our point of origin is an unstable place.
Marla: Maybe weíre all figments of Nobellyís imagination. We exist through his will. (points to Spock) You exist b/c we like you. We keep you alive. Nobelly is indirectly responsible for Spockís life.
Kerry: Youíll have to forgive her. Marla likes to periodically doubt life.
Spock: I believe it would be prudent for me to now visit the ship. If you will excuse me.
The away team waves merrily.
Heather: May your point of origin live long and prosper.
McCoy: I must say, you ladies are fascinating company.
Marla: Itís the ripple effect. We fascinate each other, and therefore, our fascinate bites all those around us. Even if they arenít there. (Peers at McCoy). You are there, arenít you?
Heather: Are you there, God? Itís me, Marg Ö wait.
Kirk: Who wants to see the bridge?
...to be continued